Moment of Truth Boys becoming men. Men becoming wolves.

Those who drives on the highway daily knows that it can be a mind-blowing event at any given time. Once you get over the road rage and just learn to observe others’ (driving as if they CAN’T end your life at 70 mph) you really notice how ridiculous mass transit can be.

For those of us who take I-195 through Richmond and connect up with 95 North, we witness a preternatural phenomenon each and every day.

This particular merge point in the American highway system, I am convinced, is either a rift in the space-time continuum or a statistical anomaly on the level of a massive sponge migration. I’ve done that merge over a thousand times now, and each time I am surrounded by drivers who have seemingly never merged on the highway before.

Statistical analysis tells me that either I sift through linear time and into a unique and alternate reality each morning, or that a completely new crop of drivers coalesces as this point in physical space every 24 hours.

Either way, it’s bizarre.

I’ve recently been prone to exploring a certain strain of logic that I think my readers will find entertaining. Stick with me, it gets a little weird.

Everyone has something to say about MTV’s hit reality series Jersey Shore. Mostly my comments have been relegated to threats of suicide, having lost all hope in mankind. As I was defending my distaste for the show and the “scene” it depicts, I realized why my river of disgust continuously rages on it’s route to a sea of despair. In the style and pomp of the guido I saw a dark reflection of my own culture.

The pomade in the hair, the interest in tattoos, the pumping of the fist. Without context it sounds a lot like a guy I’d hang out with. Of course, we put stuff in our hair to emulate Morrissey, have decent tattoos, and pump our fists to punk rock anthems. Yet, a new understanding of the guido has emerged for me.

Most subcultures can be traced back to the slick hair and leather jacket of the rock-a-billy or greaser subculture. So we have a common ancestor, like a Rock-N-Roll Abraham. That being said, it’s almost like some of us (from The Ramones to modern punk/hardcore bands) have strived to keep the original spirit of subculture alive. To go against the grain, question what we’re told, and every other Epitaph Records cliché you can muster. While others split into the less conscientious use of subculture which was to “be different” and “have a good time”.

It’s like the Elven and Orcish races of J.R.R. Tolkiens Lord of The Rings trilogy.

The Elves of Tolkien’s world are the angelic, original inhabitants of Middle Earth. They consistently sought to preserve the purity of Earth as it was, fearing the cutting down of forests and industrialization brought on by men.

The orcs were originally elves, twisted and deformed by their enslavement to the various Dark Lords. They weren’t beautiful, or shiny, or even particularly impressive in combat. Their strength was in numbers and fear. They were often used by men and wizards to carry out a malevolent sense of “progress” by deforestation and the destruction of the old world.

So there it is, guidos are just us punk/hardcore/ska/rockabilly/whatever kids, twisted by their enslavement to bars, gyms, poon, and tanning. Instead of being burnt by the fires of Mordor, they’ve been seared by UV lights. They are not being muscle bound through daily labor to an evil sorcerer. They are slaves to the idea of “body image” and perceived sexual expectations.

Are we perfect, graceful warriors? No! Some of us are lofty assholes who think they know everything, just like some elves were. But we’re doing our best to preserve something meaningful in our subculture. We’re hounded by violence and outside influence, but they still haven’t made a TV show out of us (not for lack of trying)!

I’d say the comparison holds water, even if it didn’t, the whole blog was worth the title “Guidos, Punks, and The Lord of The Rings”.

Remember the part in Burton’s original Batman where Joker first sees his own reflection? He’s sitting in the surgical chair and unwraps his face demanding “mirror!”

Then, after viewing his mangled visage, he laughs maniacally until the scene ends.

Well, today at school, the same thing happened.

While I was on my break (yes they give me 30 minutes to pee and eat) a heist went down in my room. A few 7th grade girls came to the room with a fake pass from a teacher who isn’t here today and sprang one of my students from in-school suspension.

So, when I got back, I did some fact checking, and called her administrator to report the incident. Said administrator, usually a paragon of professionalism and always somber in her phone demeanor, just starts laughing hysterically. I sort of giggle, waiting to be let in on the joke.

The laughing fades away as she takes the receiver from her face and slowly places it back on it’s cradle, beside herself all the while.

I haven’t heard anything since she hung-up, but I’m half expecting that she reduce one of our co-workers to a smoldering heap with a high-powered hand buzzer at the next faculty meeting.

Today in Richmond the nutcakes at WBC are bringing us protests about nothing. They protest gays. They protest Jews. They’re never actually read the Bible.

Like any rational person, I’m enraged by the uncaged idiocy that these people exude. But that being said, I can’t say I’m for counter-protests. Trying to engage people like this, or the common “Turn or Burn” soapbox-er on Broad St. or in the VCU commons, is an exercise in futility. It may even be counter-productive.

These people need to be ignored. The more you counter them, especially in an aggressive manner, the more they feel vindicated by pulling the “oppression” card. The more attention you give them, the more they’ll do what they do. I think it’s a tragedy that our nation’s media chooses to even give credence to this type of nonsense. This is an assumption, but my gut feeling tells me that other world powers completely ignore this type of stuff. I saw some whackos in Dublin, but didn’t see anything about them on the Irish news. It’s the only European country I’ve been too, but I think my point stands.

I mean, arguing with these people is like trying to explain to Dahmer that what he does isn’t very nice. You wouldn’t argue with a guy who dresses up like a clown and eats his own fecal matter about his actions would you?

So why would you try to argue with someone who legitimately think that a benevolent creator who loves them, hates the people who half of that creator’s holy text is devoted to?

You want these quacks to go away? Pretend they aren’t there and write angry letters to the local news who covers their nonsense.

So my wife and I finally made the big move this weekend into our new house.

When we started researching the place, what we knew was that it was between 2 catholic schools, the landlord was an over-sharer who was a better artist than landlord, and that it was inhabited by 4 guys in their 30’s. All that being taken into account we figured it would be a mean feat to clean the place up. Upon inspection, we found that the four guys in their twenties were living out high school fantasies and that the place was left in complete discord by four adult men. The whole place was torn up to really intelligently split one cable signal 5 different ways, the stove was 12 years unused (seriously), and the porch is a death trap.

But here’s the piece de resistance, we were lead to believe they were growing a little weed in the basement. Personal convictions aside, that’s fine. I’d always rather people learn to grow their own then give their money to someone who is probably taking part in a wider drug ring that also distributes more destructive substances. However, what we found out was that they were running a full operation, AND LEFT IT BEHIND.

Now we are relegated to hauling out growing lights, co2 tanks, and to un-blacking blacked-out windows. The doors all have a ridiculous amount of extra locks on them, placed in such a way that they make the door fortified against forced entry. It looks awful and is ridiculous.

The thing that really gets my goat is that there were a billion PHISH cassettes that we had to haul out (Lord help my rage) and Bob Marley posters EVERYWHERE.

ATTN Idiots of the World: Bob Marley encouraged marijuana use as a form of protest against white colonialism and used it in religious ceremonies. You are white and irreligious…and an idiot. The most vocal Rastaman in Jamaica (poet Mutabaruka) doesn’t even smoke!

P.S.

PHISH SUCKS! You’re too lazy to seek out dynamic music with a real and poigniant message so you settle for background noise made FOR THE SAKE OF ITSELF!

Luckily we have awesome friends and family who are helping us clean the place up. I still think it was the best pick of our options, all thing being considered. We should have looke more closely before moving day, and maybe made a few more demands of the rentee, but such is life.